Once you know, you can’t go back to not knowing.

So, I’m doing this. Today was a strange day for me. I realized I am toxic and need to change my outlook and well a lot about me. I am taking it seriously. So, I downloaded and read this book, how to change you, basically if you are toxic. I decided maybe to write and blog about it all. My stories, experiences and what happens and what I think. I think for humans it’s hard to think and admit we could be toxic but yea, here I am.

Let’s talk about it. I mean why not? Toxic people aren’t cool. I want to be cool. I want to be someone who people look at with respect. I think most of all I would like to be remembered when I’m gone for someone with integrity and honor. I hate thinking about death but since I’m getting older it’s a reality more and more and is closer and closer. Some days I think about it too much. I’m sure it’s not just me, but I do think I can have some strange thoughts about it. Sometimes I’ll just think if I died tonight, would I die sad and feeling like a failure? Feeling unlovable, disgusting and broken? These thoughts may separate me a bit more from your average, I’m getting older so every now and then I think about my death, person. I seem to take these thoughts to a deeper and way more intense place then possibly older and most somewhat midlife crisis, humans.

I think blogging daily about the crazy thoughts or how I literally am struggling to become a better person, wife, daughter, friend, Blah blah blah. Fill in the blank. I think writing for me is a good way to figure some of this out. Writing has always been an outlet. This is a bit different since sharing all this with the world opens me up to vulnerability, I’m not good with feeling at all. But maybe someone will read this and think, Whoa that’s me!! Then comment, we can chat, have coffee and have a good laugh about it all.

So this is my start to a better me. Sharing the things that make me the most toxic. I definitely have many according to the book i just read. I need to actual reprogram my brain and pretty much all i do and how i act.

Starting with this: Step 1 self-care. Sounds selfish, but apparently good self-care and esteem, without letting the ego get too big, is a wonderful way to have less toxicity in your life and also to become a less toxic person to……well…. those around you. Who knew. So, it’s like, showering daily, which thank God I do, wearing clothes that make you feel good. Cause when you feel good about yourself, you act the part. Hell, it even talks about women, putting on a little makeup once in a while. If you know me, you know makeup and I aren’t really good friends. I suck at applying it, tending to look more clownish more often. I never seem to look right. This is after following countless videos and tutorials. I am just not a good makeup wearing girl. But in the hopes of becoming less toxic and changing myself for the better, I might have to throw just a little on. I mean maybe some lipstick couldn’t hurt. A nice neutral color so it doesn’t wind up outlining my huge lips and making me more clownish then ever.